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This post, originally from September 2006, is by far the most read and commented on thing I have written on this blog - so I thought it was worth a reprint. And what I say about myself in point 10 - still true now. Things just aren't changing quickly enough.
So why do we still need this bisexual blog?
1. Because almost everyone thinks almost everyone is really gay or straight. Or more probably straight or gay. There is no bisexuality.
2. Except among female celebrities, where there may be bisexuality... of a kind.
3. And although there are a lot of sex sites where bisexual people get together, there's nowhere at all dedicated to the discussion of bisexuality. If you have a blog that does just this, for God's sake get in touch and I'll buy you a drink. A big one. What we have to discuss will take a while.
4. In any case, there are hardly any British blogs that discuss sexuality at all. If they do, it's about bloggers' own personal experiences. See post below.
5. The blogs that do talk about sex are from the US. Come on now, fellow Brits. Let's get talking.
6. And whenever bisexuality is mentioned in public, people still curl their lips, as if to say "oh yeah?"
7. So hardly anyone comes out.
8. Making everyone else think that bisexuality doesn't exist; and bi individuals that they are the only one ever.
9. Especially if they are men.
10. In any case, I need to write this blog. I do. Because it bugs the hell out of me that still, in the 21st century, what seems self-evident to me - that many people, men as well as women, desire, or love, or have sex with, men and women - seems so hard to grasp for so many people. I know I'm not the only one who thinks they need to wise up.
20 comments:
t doesn't help when you have Dan Savage and members of the actual gay press saying bisexuality doesn't really exist, either...
Thanks. Great to see this. I sometimes feel that I'm the only bi man in existence. Involved with LGBT groups but no other 'out' B's. Married so everyone thinks I'm heterosexual. On the other hand, only feel like an honorary member of LGBT community.
Anon: I know, right?
I've been fairly heavily involved in running LGBT student groups, collecting money for HIV/AIDS, writing for LGBT papers, being on gay helplines etc, and I STILL feel like an outsider.
I've been with a guy for five years now, and the gay people who don't think I'm just pretending to be bi treat me like I can't possibly understand them, and my straight friends insist on calling me gay even though I've corrected them a hundred times. As far as most people are concerned, gay or straight, you're either one or the other, there is no in between or back and forth
No, Dan Savage doesn't help matters. Bi visibility has always been difficult, but outright deniers set us back.
We need blogs about it. We need out bisexuals in the public sphere. We need a little more community.
I think a drink would be a bit tricky, but you should know that I am in the UK and blog about bisexuality (amongst other things) at panoptifier.blogspot.com!
Hi - I've been following you for some time now, and you're absolutely right, there's very little in the way of blogs for/by bisexual people. I'm going to start one, I'm just looking for something to call it! Any suggestions?
Hello everyone.
Good comments. First of all, there *are* specific bi groups IRL but not loads of them and it depends where you are. The US has most, there are some in the UK and a few elsewhere (the one in Sydney, Australia, was and probably still is flourishing). Take a look at the "useful sites" list in my blogrolll.
There is a community but it can be hard to find and not everyone wants to be part of a RL bi group, even if there is one near them.
Glad to hear about your blog, Biogal. There are a few more Brit/theoretical blogs than when I wrote this in 2006 - see Bisexuals' blogs list - but not loads: as one opens, another closes. Blogging over the long-term is hard work. Jen's blog is similar to mine, but I can't remember what it's called - Jen, can you help? Is it Bi Index or is that someone else????
There's lots of interesting stuff on Twitter now - look at my LGBT list there for people to follow (the majority bi identified).
So, Starbrow, what to call your blog? I will have a think. Most potential titles with "Bi" in them have already been taken, but you could probably do some version of Bi The Way or similar.
Sue
OK, so Jen Yockney's blog is here: http://jenyockney.blogspot.com/
BiIndex, with lots of stuff about UK bi scene is here: http://www.bisexualindex.org.uk/
I will add them to the blogroll when I have a mo.
Agreed on the 10 points - unfortunately, it seems people just can't cope with ambivalence, do not understand that this is actually a human quality. Quality as opposed to flaw - not just a characteristic/aspect/whatever.
Ludi aka Mihael
I like this post. I can relate entirely, even though I live in the US. It comes from both sides which is largely what has made me reluctant to come out to anyone and has lead to a pattern of self-loathing that is really tearing me apart. It does feel good to know I am not crazy though, and that more people than just me have gone through the same. I'm not so alone, am I?
Sorry Sue, only just noticed this thread. Bisexual Index is someone else :)
MM, you are most definitely NOT alone. You can go to the BiNET USA link to the right (thanks, Sue George!!!) and look in the "groups" section to se if there is an actual physical bi group near you. If not, you can join the BiNET USA Yahoo group to at least have virtual conversations with other bisexuals, and to find out what is going on the US bi community.
You can also go to one of the Bi conventions. There is one coming up in August, I believe, in London, and Transcending Boundaries will be this fall in New England. If it is wonderful to be in a room with a dozen other bisexual people in a support group, it is FANTASTIC to be in a room with 100 other bi people at a convention.
BiNET and BRC will be celebrating our 20/25 at Creating Change in Feb. 2011 - now try imagining over 2000 LGBT people in one huge hotel!!!
I agree with you 100%. I can't stand how there are so many people that believe only females can be bisexual. It's ridiculous, really. I wish we could get in touch and have this discussion! I've been dying to speak with someone about this besides myself. Not to mention, general gender conditioning as well :D, but that is another issue. Or is it? Maybe not.
Great blog! Thanks!
Yay. A bi blog!
I have been out as bi for the last 20+ years and let me tell you. It ain't been easy!
I swear if even 1/2 of the bisexual people in the world came out we would be the majority sexual orientation.
Persoanly I do not understand the gay or strait mindset. To me sexual orientation is a choice and I chose both.
my husband just told me he's had sex with a man before he met me. that doesn't bother me at all. he's been looking up guy on guy porn but he says he doesnt want a relationship with a guy. i just want him to be happy. can he be happy with just being with me for the rest of his life or will he need to venture out?
Hi Anon,
It's really impossible to say without having met your husband, you'll know him a lot better than we do (obviously). I would suggest that if he's generally pretty trustworthy and honest, and if you feel that the two of you have a good degree of open, honest communication in your relationship, that it can probably be left at that... if he feels happy to leave it at the porn level I don't see that there's any real problem.
If however you think that he's maybe just saying that to spare your feelings, being self-sacrificing and pushing wants and needs aside that he may have difficulty controlling, or he has a history of being dishonest with you and untrustworthy, then I think you owe it to him, the relationship and yourself to really talk it through and negotiate some sort of agreement. What are your feelings about his same-sex desires? Could they be something you could address with role-play and toys in the confines of your bedroom? What are your feelings about him finding an outlet for those desires with someone else (open-relationship style), or with the two of you exploring those desires together (eg: swinging etc)?
In negotiating about how to deal with these issues, which can be pretty complex, remember that communication is the key, and that YOUR needs and desires (security, reassurance etc) are just as important as his. There are always solutions, it just takes good faith, sincerity, trust (and sometimes a bit of creativity) to find them. There are some great books and websites around for help and advice, and if it's all a bit daunting or you're not confident dealing with it on your own, enlist the help of a friend you feel you can really trust or find a relationship counsellor or sex therapist.
I hope that helps, and I wish you all the best with it,
D
Thanks!
It's funny that all the discussion seems to be on this post, isn't it? :)
Just wanted to say I've started a blog about sexuality, relationships and safe sex if anyone wants to stop by - emphasis on bisexuality and my own experiences but with links to some of the resources I've collected over the years (as I manage to upload them). Check it out at
http://ahistoryofsexuality.blogspot.com/
I also just wanted to say thanks sue for providing this space for people to have a chat about these things, I think it's great!
Cheers,
Danny
Brilliant.I feel refreshed.Thank you;-)
Hi my name is keshana and im bisexual. I am 12 years old
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