Friday, May 25, 2007

This is not a sex blog

No really, it isn’t. And from time to time that’s something I regret.
People who write about sex get, ooh, ever so many hits on their blog. They get book deals and proposals of marriage, and proposals for other things too – probably some of them implausible/unsavoury/frightening.
Loads of people who find this blog from Google – and then click off after one second – come here expecting some bi-girl, bi-guy fantasy action. They must be hideously disappointed to find me waffling on about politics, HIV, dead people who liked pushing the sexual envelope and what's on the telly.
To many people who aren’t bisexual (really rather a lot of them) the sex part is what it’s all about; to many people who are bisexual (but not all, not nearly all) the sex part is what it’s all about. They aren’t interested in the emotions, the lifestyle, the history, the challenges. Just the shagging.
The main reason I sometimes regret writing this under my own name is that it limits what I can say about my life, and that includes the sexual-romantic part. As I’ve said before, I’m not going to put anything here that I wouldn’t want my employer or my family to read. I don’t want the most intimate parts of my psyche known by all and sundry – and I don’t expect my ex-partners/lovers/crushes/friends would like it either. I know that what I actually write here is far beyond what many people would feel happy about shoving out into the public domain without being anonymous but, hey, I am a “professional bisexual” after all. Just not a “sexpert” in the Susie Bright / Carol Queen / Audacia Ray mould.
I had an email chat with Bitchy Jones (a female domme, as you might recall) and she said something very interesting.

“Bisexual women probably get a lot of the same problems I get. When your sexuality matches pretty closely to a hugely popular male fantasy it is no bloody fun at all!”

That summed up why I can relate to her blog, even though I don’t share her sexual interests. It is no bloody fun when people think they know what your sex life, indeed all your life, is like simply because they’re familiar with the stereotypes - and wish that the stereotypes were true. Because while these stereotypes might be pretty damn close to a common male fantasy, they aren’t the same. A real person never fits precisely into someone else’s fantasy, even if they might seem to at a distance. I know, from my own experience, how true that is.
Sorry for being a tease…

9 comments:

Dandelion said...

Yes, I have the same problem. The writing about sex, I mean. People google me for Threesome, but I don't think they get what they hoped for.

For me the reason why I don't is partly because the sex isn't the main thing of my blog, or my relationships either. But also because the people who read my blog, I sort of feel I know them now in a non-sexual context, so to suddenly go all "pussy" on them would feel a bit...inappropriate.

I do think that sex-blogging is a good way of getting a non-sex message across though. cf Bitchy J

Jen said...

On the other hand, the "not a sex blog" nature of it makes it the only blog I've seriously thought about having well-linked from BCN's website.

That I can't find a second suitable blog is almost enough to make me start one...

Sue George said...

Dandelion - yes, I know what you mean! A bit like telling your workmates what you did in bed last night. Perhaps. And, as you say, sex is closely connected to all the other things that are going on in our worlds/lives. It never takes place in the abstract - only fantasy sex does that.

Jen - oh go on, you know you want to (on both points). There is another serious bi blog but it's only updated very occasionally - not now since early March. (http://bisexuality.wordpress.com/).
Why do you think there aren't any others?

Dandelion said...

I think there aren't any others because people who really are bisexual might not really be bisexual, if you see what I mean. And I don't think as a label, it's had a very good press.

You know like how a lot of women agree with feminist things, but would never call themselves a feminist? I think something like this works with "bisexual", and also I think people who are bisexual are being or doing something much more than what the label allows.

I was a bit shocked to see my blog listed here as a bisexual blog - I'd sooner identify as post-queer than bisexual. I think it's very nice though, because it's not like it's untrue or anything, it's just not how I happen to think about things.

I think the label implies to some people who are in it, a simplification of something, or a fitting of things into a model of sexuality that they really feel they are beyond.

Just my random thoughts, for what they're worth

Sue George said...

Well, dandelion I did wonder about whether I should list your blog under "bisexuals' blogs" given that - at that time anyway - you hadn't mentioned the actual word in your blog.
Of course, bisexual as a label has had a terrible press and I suppose I want to stand up for bisexuals and bisexuality as a concept for being "good" - positive, taken for granted, honest and open. My being non-anonymous is part of that, because most people who are bisexual - or whether they use another word for it, or don't think about it like that - *aren't* openly bi. The risks for them are too great.

Also, you're right: for many people, calling their sexuality "bisexual" is an over-simplification. (I don't think it is for me) Perhaps that's partly why some people (especially Americans, who - gross generalisation alert - think about identity much more than we do in the UK) call themselves things like Bi Femme Top Dyke, which personally I would find over-constricting.

As for the post-queer stuff, that's really a long discussion. I see from your blog over the past few days that you're going to write about bisexuality and I'm looking forward to reading it!

Dandelion said...

I'm writing it now. By the way, have you heard of Tamsin Wilton? She interviewed me for her book. I haven't read it yet, but I keep meaning to see what she made of me in it.

Dandelion said...

Just to alert you, I've finally posted my first Bisexual Post. It will probably seem very babyish to you - what I've read on the subject I read so long ago that I've abstracted and assimilated it, but can't actually remember any of it. So poss. a not terribly sophisticated exposition...

overpowered said...

I know exactly what you mean. I've only recently started mine, which again is not 'a sex blog' but is 'about sex' or sexuality at least. It's extremely difficult to keep it truthful and not let it descend into wank material (for want of a better word!). Similarly, like dandelion, I suppose it could be categorised as bisexual, but I wouldn't have necessarily thought of putting it that way. Still, it's so brilliant to see that more wome are at the very least trying to write honestly about their/our sexuality.

Matt said...

Hello!

I am contacting you because I am working with the authors of a book about blogs, and I'd like to request permission to use the photograph you have posted in this book. Please contact me at matt@wefeelfine.org, and I'd be happy to give you more information about the project. Please paste a link to your blog in the subject field. Your assistance is greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,

Matt