Friday, October 19, 2007

I’m bi and I fancy a straight girl

One of the women who found my blog recently has found herself in just such a pickle.

So should she do something about it?

No - don’t, please don’t. Although it’s fashionable to think that “all women are bi” I really don’t believe it. In any case, when they (whoever they are) say “all women are bi” they actually mean “will have some kind of same-sex under some circumstances, probably when they are paralytically drunk”. Like Jen Sincero, from A Straight Girl’s Guide to Sleeping with Chicks, who thinks that all women have sleeping with women on their “to do list”.

But if you are sexually and emotionally bisexual, not just “curious”, what you don’t want is to have your feelings trashed by someone who is not sure whether to freak out or not.

I believe that people should experiment (if they want, and as long as they take the feelings of pre-existing significant others into account) but they should always, only, experiment with someone of a similar sort of sexuality to them. So people who are basically straight, or bi-curious, should go for other basically straight or bi-curious or experimenting people. If you are positive that you are really bisexual, then go for someone who’s serious about it too.

The six pint rule
There’s this cute little axiom – all wo/men are gay after six pints, which for a woman would be practically unconscious anyway, surely – and I have met women who have said that they have had plenty of fun seducing “straight” women. Well, that depends what you mean by “straight” (see definitions of bi, above). But, if you are really attracted to someone, do you want them to freak out the next day, acting all disgusted, or start laughing at what you have done together? Mortifying.

Or – worst of all, you are a bit more sober, when you “confess” your feelings and have them say: “I can’t really deal with this right now” and run away, never to come near you again. Or treat you like an object lesson in assertiveness training (very popular in the 80s. but do they exist now?) As in: “I need to make myself clear. I am not interested in you in that way. I really need to be sure you’ve understood that.” Not good. And these are just two of the ways I have been let down ungently. Of course, this can happen whatever your sexuality but there’s nothing like going for someone who really doesn’t fancy women to make you feel crushingly in the wrong.

You might be able to persuade a straight woman to sleep with you, but you can’t make her want to do it again, or fall in love with you. If that’s all you want, then fine. But I think my respondent is more than a bit interested in her “straight girl” and isn’t just up for making a conquest.

So my personal rule of thumb is as follows. Never, ever make a move on someone who hasn’t either got a proven interest in someone the same sex as you, or has loudly and publically declared that they are seriously interested in having that experience. If you are serious about being bisexual, don’t go anywhere near someone who isn’t.

24 comments:

Dandelion said...

Well said, that woman! Hear hear!

Sue George said...

Thanks!

Kirsten said...

I read the title and thought 'Oh, I've been there, it's not fun.'

And I agree-if someone doesn't want you when they're sober, they don't want you enough for it work.

elena said...

I know I'm totally off-topic, but i wanted to state how glad I am i found your blog: i have a true affection to your book Women and bisexuality, which I came across during a trip to London in my twenties (i'm from Italy) and found comforting and illuminating and one of the few sources about bisexuality available at the time.
i will definitely keep a look on your writings, thank you.

Sue George said...

Thank you too Elena. And have a big cyber-hug from me...

smoke said...

hi Sue, i have a question.I like a girl,n i mean really like her and i respect her.but she doesnt know it n probably hates me too since i tried talking to her a couple of times and she ignored me.but i cant get her out of my head.WHAT DO I DO??

Sue George said...

Goodness, Smoke, that's a tough one.
When you say "talking to her" do you mean in general? Do you know her at all? If you don't, perhaps she has a strong hold on your imagination - that is, you are projecting your feelings on to her without it having all that much to do with what she is really like.
Or maybe you talked to her in a more "intimate" manner and she got freaked out because that's not how she feels, or she's straight, or because she's afraid of her own feelings?
What do you think?

smoke said...

I tried to start a conversation...u know jus a general one.I moved to US 2yrz ago.I am an athlete n so is she.we were on the soccer team.I noticed every1 ov her friendz would tease her wen i would come for practice, n i noticed dat it embarrassed her so i quit soccer.But tried to talk to her while walkin down the hall, or goin towards the class.I asked if we could bbe friends, she said ya but in a W.E. kiinda way.IDK...am kinda stuck.i just found out she goes to da same colg as i do.i see her everyday, n everytime i do sumthing in ma stomach flips n i have this wired feeling.She doesnt have a BF or a GF,so i cant determine da stright part.but i like her ALOT!!

Anonymous said...

I just want to say that i think that is such a pessimistic view. And talking from my experience absolute rubbish. I have fancied many straight girls in my time, a majority of which something has happened with. In all fairness it may have began we were drunk but that's because we would have been flirting before and the drunkness was the boost needed for a conversation of a usual conformation of feelings.
So i don't think "straight" girls should be given up on because often you are the one they want.

Steph Ashley said...

Coming to this late, but I have to tell you I think you're right here, and it's a really nice piece of advice to come across. Just wish someone had told me years ago. I've been so hurt, so many times, by 'curious' friends. Still can't help falling for one from time to time but I'm a lot more careful about not pushing it these days. Took me years though.

Anonymous said...

hi...I´m sorry if i cant advice you but i have no experience my self.. see, i don´tknow if i´m bi or what.. because i like girls i feel emotionally artacted to girls and i also like them physically, but i also like boys sometimes although not as often. i had a boyfriend that i would still fall for if he asked me. but dont think i just started liking girls cause i broke up with him. necause berfore him there was a friend i really liked, bu t i never told her, even though i think she noticed, and i think she likjed me too.now i like htis girl who is older thanme. i don´t knowif i´ñm confusing my feelings because i like he r way of beng so much, or do i really like her in some other way.i dn´t know if telling her because once she said : she was raised in the old way and that she considered being heterosexual a way of self respect. so, is that it just for self respect you cant like a same gender person? for self respect go around naked even though sometimes id like too-- anyways what should i do?.. she´s told me many nice things, shes been really nice to me and caring, and we have a lot in common..are thoce signs or am i confusing things?

Miss Elefante said...

Well, I'd say everyone is straight, until they’re not... XD Or at least i'm wishing that's true...

Atte: A bisexual girl that's in love with her straight friend

Kiara said...

I read the title of this and just thought 'Yep, I know that feeling.'

I'm not sure what to believe - I personally think it depends on the girl as to whether or not it could work. There are some girls that will just simply never be anything but straight; the homophobes, you could say. Maybe not always that extreme...but hopefully you get my drift. If you make a move on them, they'll freak and reject you. If they're drunk when it happens, depending on the person and your former relationship with them, they could either act all awkward (and potentially ruin the friendship) or just sort of laugh it off if you don't act like it was anything serious. Then there are girls who THINK they're straight. I've heard before that there are a lot of girls who don't realize they could enjoy having a same-sex partner until they've had that experience or been exposed to the idea somehow in a way that seems socially acceptable. Obviously, girls who already know they're bi-curious or bisexual - even gay, for that matter - are the best choice, but obviously we can't choose who we fall for. And to be completely honest, so many straight girls are just downright gorgeous and can be very affectionate...it's easy to fall for them.

I mean, I'm currently incredibly infatuated with a girl I absolutely KNOW must be straight. She's subtly mentioned digs on homosexuality (nothing overly-malicious, mind you, but enough to let me know she's not "like that"), has a purity ring, dedicated to religion...that whole deal. Not saying someone who's religious and believes in waiting until marriage has to be straight - please don't take it that way. I just mean, she's that type of girl you'd see and be like "yeah, she's straight." Here's the problem: she's really affectionate, totally gorgeous, and playfully flirtatious. Like, she gives those playfully seductive looks all the time, says "i love you" very often even though in all honesty were not that close, and after a show choir concert came up, gave me a huge hug, said "i love you soo much..." then "i love you more.." and kissed my cheek. yes, i know that was probably just a friend-thing. im not over-analyzing signals. but i mean..could she be one of those people who COULD fall for a girl, if she got the chance to experience it?

i feel stupid and pathetic writing out these questions, because i don't want to screw everything up. im not going to try anything unless i get a serious, no-way-to-misinterpret-this sort of signal.

how can you tell if a girl could possibly be a little less straight then shes letting on? like, are there signals - maybe even subconscious signals - that could be noticed?

Barbara said...

I fancy a straight girl. One of me best friends, in fact. She is "straight" by word of mouth, but her actions indicate otherwise.

She is overly touchy-feely, she is very flirtatious, and she is just downright confusing. We played a game where we would stare into each others eyes to try and see who could laugh/smile first, we were barely an inch away from each other, and she looked down... As if she wanted to kiss me.

Am I over-analyzing things? Am I thinking too much?

I don't know. But, I do know how I feel about her, and it's driving me insane.

Anonymous said...

OMG I can so relate to all this, n now what do i do?? Nothing, yes, n i get that after reading all the posts,thank you! I'd rather have 'her' for a friend for life, than a lover for five minutes!
Thanks again :)
katspurring

Anonymous said...

Im bi and i think i have feelings for one of my best mates, im not sure if shes bi or not because she said shes thought about but i dont know if i should make a move?

Anonymous said...

I right can start with I still fancy women, though over the last few weeks I see this boy who goes to the football every week I don't talk to him but I knew him from my past school his name was Matthew I think. Anyway the other day I seen him he looked beautiful. His eyes were brown, his lips looked lovely his & body looked great & I just wanted to kiss him & I've never felt that way for a man in that way, it's normally women. I just felt like to pull his face forward & kiss him. The other night I fantasy about him nude, & I don't want to feel about a bloke like that.

Anonymous said...

This will probably sound very corny, but I've never been able to admit it on ANYTHING before, and everyone else seemts to be, so why not? Anyway...

I've grown up, always thinking that I was straight for sure, but last year I started getting these unusual feelings for a girl I was pretty good friends with. It started off with me just wanting to be around her, which I thought was normal, but then within a couple of months she started becoming the reason I looked forward to school. I got jealous whenever she was hanging out with others, and practically felt responsible for any of her unhappiness. It was like I needed her to be happy for me to be happy.

So now, six months later and I go to a different school, but we have even still become better friends (which is awesome). I thought I would lose her and forget about her, but pretty much the opposite has happened. I think I love this girl, and I have absolutely no idea if she's bi or straight or gay. I mean, she has never had a boyfriend, but we often discuss hot celebrities (yes, I am still bi).

Are there any signs? Well, it goes as far as hugs and sitting close enough to touch. But every time I sit very close, there is a lot of sexual tension, a lot to bare... Sometimes I wonder what she would say if I told her, but to be honest, I have no idea, and I really hate thinking of losing a friendship with her cause I scared her off or something.

So what I am trying to say is basically how do you tell a friend, or hint at it? And is it worth it?

Anonymous said...

I was looking into this and found this when I did Google it.
I can't say I'm very experienced, but I know I'm bisexual. I discovered it since I was 16. Anyways, there's this girl I liked and it's very obvious she's straight. She talks about guys and how she imagines guys and everything. It gets me so mad and jealous. I hadn't thought I liked her in that way but now I'm sure I do. But it's such a bad situation, because even if she's not against homosexuality I know there's no chance. :I I often like to imagine there is, because we say: "I love you" but that's common for me and my friends. It's so hard. I probably won't tell her but I have no idea how to stop liking her.

Anonymous said...

im lesbian.. i am in grade 10 although people always ask me if i am in grade 12 -.- .. and i have an amazingly huge crush on my english teacher - she is maybe 20-25 years old.. i cant stop thinking about her and when i see her at school i get sensations that amaze me - i dont mean sexual sensations lol.. but back to topic - i would just love a chance with her. i dont believe u shouldnt try a straight girl tho because my first ever gf was infact straight - remember its not about the outside its bout the inside. anyways - if i found out she was gay i wouldnt be shocked but i wouldnt be shocked if she was straight or bi if that makes sence.. what do i do!?! i know its a teacher and its probably REALLY weird but u cant help who you fall in love with as they say :(

Sue George said...

I don't usually advise people, but here I will.
She's not just straight though (probably) but she's your teacher... I guess you'd be about 16? I'm not entirely sure how old 10th grade is, being from the UK. But she'd get into terrible, terrible trouble if she caved in to any approach you might make although, being older than you and in a position of authority over you, it would be her responsibility if she did. So if you have feelings for her, don't try to act on them. Please. Keep it in the realm of fantasy and choose girlfriends of your own age.

Anonymous said...

I don't know. When I was a teenager I was almost 100% SURE i was straight but in the last couple of years i've come to doubt myself. Recently I have almost as many crushes on women as I do on men. Of course, all of it is in my head, and the fact that I haven't "proven" my sexuality makes me feel very self-conscious about just hitting on another straight woman. Talk about awkward - two newbies together sounds like a nightmare. So - if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out - i've had my heart crushed by men a zillion times and it had nothing to do with sexual orientation. It IS possible that YOU just weren't the one for them, regardless of your gender.

Jess said...

Read this and thought 'hmm' the whole way through. I'm "in love" with a girl, she's one of my best friends, we work together and the more time I spend with her, the closer I feel to her. However, she doesn't know I'm gay, (I've come close to confessing to her in drunken chats, but even then I'm too afraid of her response). I'm openly gay at college, with other friends, but didn't want my sexuality to interfere with work. I'm not sure of her sexuality, she talks about boys she's seeing a lot, but relationships with these boys always seem to fizzle out before they become 'serious'. I'm not sure if she's telling these stories as a cover, everyone believes she's gay/bi and when the subject is brought up, she's overly touchy about it.
Problem is, she's the first girl I've really liked, and I really am into her and can't imagine being with anyone else at this moment in time, everyone I meet just doesn't compare to her!
I really don't know what to do, I don't know if it's worth risking our friendship to bring the subject up, but I can't continue miserably pining after her and not knowing if it's realistic or not. Help, please!!

Anonymous said...

Hi I have dilemma...so I'm a tutor & during the weekday I have to be at a particular school as part of my job. But since the beginning of the school year there's been a school administrator who seems to crave for my attention. Since day one she made eye contact with me and then slowly made her way to me. Finding any excuse to talk to me. I sort of brushed it off in the beginning, but now I'm hooked. She'll see me from down the hall & make her way over. She'll talk to me but there always others around. A few weeks ago we locked eyes longer than the usual. I haven't told her I'm bi but I suppose my eye contact gave it away. I started to see her more and more around campus. She'd ask me questions here and there about my job & duties. Just nonsense questions to talk to me about. All of a sudden she noticed my ring & asked if i had just got engaged. It seemed lame because i know she'd noticed it before. She mentioned she was engaged, but briefly. Then she invited some people to her office & clearly turned to me and said: "you should come too". She showed us around...pics of her bff & briefly mentioned that on one of the pic was her fiance, but only b/c someone asked. A couple weeks went by. I saw hER here and there again. She never asked for my name. Then about 3 weeks ago. I received on the weekend a Facebook message from a random woman asking if I went to a particular high school. I replied no. Then I found out that the particular administrator was a graduate from there. Coincidence? Not sure...but that following Monday the certain administrator was extra well-dressed and called my name from down the hall & made her way over to me as everyone let out. We joked for a bit & she seemed extra friendly. More Than the norm. But I was sort of bothered by the FB message b/c it seemed childish for her to involve someone else ...if she had anything to do with it. I guess although I was sort of joking I was still sort of bothered & I think she noticed a bit. I said bye and left . I haven't really seen her since. I feel like I f'd up...although I did see her earlier in the week and I just smiled & played it off, but she waived at me anyway & I waived back. I know she's been really busy & it is her workplace...on top of that she's getting married in 2 weeks...I'm really into her...and my instincts tell me she's into me too but after that fiasco I'm wondering if its wishful thinking from my part. Help!!!